"Self-pity is like sitting there and peeing your pants: at first, it's warm and comfy, but pretty soon it gets cold and then it starts to stink." - anonymous
IE good for Click Link
"Web Pages. Made of H.T.M.L. You get by click link. to make words and pics on screen. You got H.T.M.L.? I.E. for turn the H.T.M.L. into pics on screen. IE good for show text. IE good for click link. IE good for show boobs." (on Slashdot, in a discussion about Internet Explorer's Security Zones)
"Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools."
"It is practically impossible to teach good programming style to students that have had prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration." -- Edsger Dijkstra
Why do ducks have webbed feet? -- To put out forest fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet? -- To put out burning ducks.
Healthy old men
Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the others who have tried it.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
It's easier said than done.
... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that 'it's easier done than said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than done".
The problem ... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with. Scientists working for the Department of Energy have tried to form oil using other animals; they've piled thousands of tons of sand and Middle Eastern countries on top of cows, raccoons, haddock, laboratory rats, etc., but so far all they have managed to do is run up an enormous bulldozer-rental bill and anger a lot of Middle Eastern persons. None of the animals turned into oil, although most of the laboratory rats developed cancer.
-- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12: LITHP
This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of an "S" in its character set; users must substitute "TH". LITHP is said to be useful in protheththing lithtth.